


That Look

by Lia_Bolton



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Uzumaki Naruto, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Kid Uzumaki Naruto, One Shot, Umino Iruka Is Awesome, Uzumaki Naruto Needs a Hug, Uzumaki Naruto-centric, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29268399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lia_Bolton/pseuds/Lia_Bolton
Summary: He finally understands why people don’t look at him that way – it’s because no one loves him. No one even likes him. Naruto knows that, he had more than five years to get used to it – but it still hurts. It hurts that no one will ever look at him that way. It hurts that no one loves him. However, even that isn’t what hurts the most. It is that not even Naruto can look at himself that way.What hurts the most is that not even he loves himself.-Or, in which Naruto learns to love.
Relationships: Umino Iruka & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	That Look

Naruto is alone.

It has always been that way. No one would get more than five feet close to him; he can’t remember the last time someone touched him without trying to hurt him. People always whisper behind his back; he feels their judgmental glares all the time. He doesn’t know what he did, why people are _so mean_.

But more importantly, Naruto is _lonely_.

The four-year-old has never hugged someone; he wonders sometimes – he wonders how it feels, having arms wrapped around his tiny body. Sometimes, when he dares to dream about it ~~but he shouldn’t because it is never going to happen,~~ there is always someone whispering – but not bad things, _never_ bad things. This person hugging him isn’t like the villagers; he is nice and kind and even _likes_ him. No one likes Naruto, but he does because he is so so so amazing. He whispers, telling Naruto that he likes him and he is a good kid. He isn’t scared of Naruto; he looks at him differently. The little boy would say it is because he likes him, but for some reason, he can’t.

Naruto is four and a half when he notices.

He notices that the way the person in his dreams looks at him isn’t special to him. Some adults wear the same look when they look at kids ~~that weren’t him~~ – most adults wear the same look when they look at _their_ kids. _All_ the kids wear the same look all the time. Except Naruto. Naruto can’t do it. He stands in front of his mirror every night before sleeping, trying to remember that look, trying to imitate it.

He never succeeds.

The boy knows he lacks something, some essential part of it – but he just can’t put his finger on it. He doesn’t even know what the look means; all he knows is the warmness that always spreads in his chest whenever he thinks about it. He wants to be able to look at himself that way, so he can always be happy. After a few weeks, he is starting to lose hope – but he is Uzumaki Naruto, he won’t give up.

Naruto is five when he learns what those looks mean.

Sure, he has heard about love – when people like each other so much, it is called love. Simple.

Except it isn’t.

And it hurts. He finally understands why people don’t look at him _that_ way – it’s because no one loves him. No one even likes him. Naruto knows that, he had more than five years to get used to it – but it still hurts. It hurts that no one will ever look at him that way. It hurts that no one loves him. However, even that isn’t what hurts the most. It is that not even Naruto can look at himself that way.

What hurts the most is that not even he loves himself.

Naruto gives up.

There had always been a light in the little boy’s eyes, filled with hopefulness, sometimes even happiness – despite everything. Naruto likes being happy, because happiness is so easy to feel, so easy to live with.

Naruto didn’t know it is easy to lose too.

The light in his eyes starts to dim, day by day. He doesn’t know why. Or more accurately, he _knows_ , he knows the reason very well. That doesn’t mean he wants to accept it. He is not weak; he doesn’t need other people’s love anyway. Or someone to look at him like _that_. Or being able to look at himself that way. Naruto doesn’t even need a hug.

He is _fine_.

Naruto is five and a half when he first wants to become the Hokage.

He met the Sandaime Hokage before, talked to him a few times. He is kind, and while Naruto can’t say that the man likes him ~~because no one does~~ , he isn’t scared of him. That is enough for the boy. Naruto sees the way people look at the man, he knows all the emotions in these eyes. People look at the man with respect, with hope, with happiness, with _love_. The boy wants that, he wants to become the Hokage – so people will stop being scared of him, they will finally _accept_ him. And if being the Hokage is the way to be accepted…

Well, Naruto has a new dream.

To make his dream come true, he needs to be strong – and to be strong, he has to work hard. He has to learn everything himself, unlike a dark-haired boy who he sees practicing with his older brother. He has to do it alone, unlike a trio of a blond girl and two boys who always work together.

It is okay. He is okay.

Naruto is six when he understands what hate _really_ is.

Because he finally, finally feels it. Naruto doesn’t know how to explain it – hate is harder than like, but at the same time it is easier. Hating the villagers is easy, definitely easier than liking them – because they _deserve_ it. They are bad people, and they are mean. Naruto doesn’t want to like them, so he doesn’t. He also doesn’t want to hate them, but he _does_. Because hate makes him feel strong and powerful. Because hate finally brings the light he lost months ago back to his eyes. The light is even stronger, brighter. Naruto likes it.

At the same time, he doesn’t. He needs more energy to keep his eyes that bright, he also needs to think more about how he feels. Liking was easy, he did it without thinking ~~at least if it wasn’t directed at himself~~ – just felt what he wanted. There were no whys, no hows, only whos. And the answer was everyone. But hate is different; hate is _harder_. There always are whys, hows, whens – there are whos too, but Naruto can’t just say everyone this time. He always thinks about it, thinks about who he hates. The list is long – so long, it would be easier to say he hates everyone. He just can’t.

Naruto is seven when he finds a way to show his hate.

He pranks people. And he _really_ likes it. Finally, people stop looking at him like they are scared – they send glares filled with hate this time. He kind of likes being hated ~~because anything is better than being scared of~~ because he can finally justify his hate by thinking that they hate him too. But what he really likes is having fun. Naruto usually had fun when he is practicing, but that is it. He had no other hobby to enjoy – until he discovered that pranking people is awesome.

Naruto is eight when he understands why he couldn’t hate everyone.

Which falls under the time when he starts the Academy. People are still not really nice, admittedly – ~~but they are nicer than Naruto deserves anyway~~ but it is a lot better. The teachers don’t like him, but they are more… indifferent? They never touch him – and no physical contact means no hitting or pushing ~~or holding him from his neck or collar and throwing him away or-~~ so of course the boy loves it.

Then there is Iruka-sensei, he is… weird. Not bad weird, or good weird, just… _weird_ weird. One day he acts like he _likes_ him, like he cares about him – and the next day he looks at him with such hate that he _scares_ Naruto. The boy doesn’t like being scared; he is the one that people are scared of, not the opposite. Despite that, he can’t help but like his teacher; Iruka-sensei is nice when he wants to be.

Things with the students are a bit more complicated – actually, forget “a bit”, they are _a lot_ more complicated. Some of them are just like they were before; they would bully or keep away from him. Some are… well, Naruto can safely call them his newfound bullies. Not that they get through his skin or can actually manage to hit him or anything, Naruto is going to be the Rokudaime Hokage after all (the boy is sure the _old_ man Sandaime, will have to choose someone as his successor before Naruto is old enough – so Rokudaime it is), he can take care of himself.

~~Not all the time, though.~~

Surprisingly, some students are kind of nice. They never tell Naruto to go away or make fun of him. Two of them are the part of the trio he always saw practicing together over the years. Shikamaru is kind of lazy, and Choji eats a bit too much, and there is a boy called Kiba who is obsessed with dogs – but Naruto still likes them. That being said, he is not sure if his feelings are reciprocated. Sure, the boys don’t hate him ~~or maybe they do, because everyone does~~ but that doesn’t mean that they like him.

But at least Naruto is pretty much sure one person does like him. He remembers meeting the pale-eyed shy girl before, Hinata. She’s always really nice to Naruto, or more correctly when she talks to him – because most of the time she just blushes for some reason and keeps quiet. Even though he would love having someone to talk to, he doesn’t mind her shy and quiet attitude – at least she likes him.

He might be the only kid in the village that likes going to school.

Naruto is ten when he notices that something is _wrong_ with him.

He doesn’t know what is wrong, just knows something is. Maybe it’s that he started having ~~nightmares~~ dreams about something, something big and red and powerful _inside him_. Every time he wakes up after a dream, he can’t breathe. There is a thing _inside_ him.

Rationally, Naruto knows that can’t be true; he’s barely more than four-foot-tall and there’s no way something like that can fit in him. But the dreams, how the red thing talks to and mocks and laughs at him feel so real.

Naruto wants it to get out of his body. It doesn’t; it just laughs harder and harder. Every single time, Naruto throws up after waking up – hoping that the red thing would _just leave_.

Despite all his efforts, it doesn’t look like the thing’s going to leave soon.

Naruto is twelve when he learns what his dreams mean.

There is a demon inside him. There is a _fucking demon fox_ inside him. It has been there for twelve years. It has been there since he was born. The thing in his dreams is a demon fox. Why is there a demon fox inside him? Why the hell there is a demon fox in the first place? And it is-

_insidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehiminsidehim_

Naruto feels like he can’t breathe – _what the actual fuck?_

Wait, demon fox? _The_ demon fox?

_nononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono_

Naruto _really_ can’t breathe this time. That is why everyone hates him? _That_ is why everyone is scared of him? _That_ is why no one loves him?

He stands there and takes it as Mizuki-sensei keeps talking – keeps telling him everything the thing inside him did. The man tells him how ~~Naruto~~ the demon fox destroyed the village years ago, tells him how ~~he~~ the monster killed lots of people, including Iruka-sensei’s pare-

_Fuck._

__

He killed Iruka-sensei’s parents. The boy looks at his teacher next to him, hoping _please please please tell me it’s a lie_ -

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But Iruka-sensei doesn’t look at him.

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Naruto can hear the sound of his world shattering.

__

His teacher, who a ~~cted like he~~ is one of the first people to like him, to treat him well. His teacher who always watches over him. His teacher who bought him ramen before his graduation exam. His teacher who was genuinely sad that he didn’t pass the exam ~~because he was so fucking useless~~. His teacher who searched for him, to save him.

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His teacher who’s screaming and telling him to duck.

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His teacher whom he trusts.

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His teacher who has a shuriken in his back.

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Naruto can’t think straight. He hears Iruka-sensei telling him something he can’t understand. The boy closes his eyes, tries to breathe but ohmygod _Iruka-senseiisgoingtodieandit’smyfaultand_ -

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He hears Iruka-sensei calling his name and notices that he can finally, _finally_ breathe.

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“-you’re lonely and it hurts, doesn’t it?” the man asks, on the verge of crying.

__

His teacher keeps talking but Naruto doesn’t really understand the rest – he didn’t really understand what he said before the last few words either. But he knows what Iruka-sensei is talking about, he _knows_. Naruto blinks back tears – for years, he has been waiting for someone to ask that question because-

__

Because it hurts so fucking much.

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He hears Mizuki-sens-

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_No_.

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Iruka-sensei is his sensei, not that man. He doesn’t deserve to be called that.

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Mizuki keeps talking, and Naruto can’t take it anymore so he does the reasonable thing.

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He runs away.

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Okay, maybe not so reasonable.

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He doesn’t care.

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The boy clings to the scroll that started everything; he will never give it to the enemy. He saves his body from under Iruka-sensei’s, stumbling and nearly falling in the way. Naruto very pointedly doesn’t look at his teacher’s face, but he can still feel his unbelieving glare on his back.

__

Naruto doesn’t want to leave, he really doesn’t. If only his legs listened to him…

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He runs and runs and runs, Iruka-sensei’s scream and Mizuki’s mocking tone echoing in his ears.

__

He _does_ care.

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It’s just that he can’t find it in himself to go back and face the reality.

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He keeps running and doesn’t notice that he stopped until after a few seconds pass. He hears Iruka-sensei and Mizuki talking, talking about him. He listens as Mizuki asks the other man why he is protecting Naruto, someone who killed his parents.

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Naruto knows he should go; he really should go – he doesn’t want to listen to that.

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His legs are still refusing to listen to him.

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His head snaps up as he hears Mizuki telling Iruka-sensei that Naruto is just like him. Naruto shakes his head violently, in denial. No. _No._ That isn’t true, he isn’t like him, he isn’t evil. He would never betray Konoha, and he’s not a megalomaniac. Because he likes his village and he would never steal something dangerous from it.

__

Naruto blinks. His reasons don’t seem that strong. He wasn’t sure about the former, not really. And he- he already has done the latter.

__

Maybe he _is_ like him.

__

He sits there, blood running cold, just with the thought of being like _that man._ A numbness spreads in his body as he listens Mizuki telling his teacher that the boy had a monster in him, and he would use the techniques in the scroll. _Shut up! That is a lie, I would never do something like tha-_

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Except he did less than an hour ago.

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He closes his eyes and lets a tear escape. He doesn’t want to be like Mizuki; that man is a traitor and harmed Iruka-sensei, and now he is trying to kill him-

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God, that man is trying to kill Iruka-sensei.

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Naruto attempts to stand up, only to freeze in his place when he hears Iruka-sensei agreeing with Mizuki.

__

_…what?_ Naruto doesn’t remember falling back to the ground. He doesn’t remember clinging to the scroll like his life depended on it either. He knows that Mizuki is right, so him being upset about his reply is actually unfair to Iruka-sensei. But he just- he expected him to… object? He thought that his teacher liked him, and now-

__

_Stupid._

__

“So, it’s true. Iruka-sensei never believed in me.” he whispers, still unbelieving. “He thinks I’m some kind of beast – a freak!” The boy clenches his fists and blinks rapidly to hold back his tears.

__

Naruto isn’t prepared for the next blow – but he should’ve known better. He winces as he hears his teacher telling Mizuki that beasts act that way.

__

That is the last straw. He’s done. He stands up, hastily wiping the few tears that escaped with his sleeve. Just as he’s about to leave, he hears Iruka-sensei.

__

_“But that’s not who Naruto is.”_

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Naruto freezes as he feels his eyes widen – maybe…

__

“He’s nothing like that – Naruto’s one of a kind.” His teacher keeps talking and with every word, the boy’s heart aches a little less. He leans to a tree and glances at Iruka-sensei – only to see the man smiling.

__

Naruto smiles too.

__

“He works hard and puts his whole heart into it. I mean, sure, he messes up sometimes and everyone jumps on him. But his suffering only makes him stronger. _That’s_ what separates him from being a beast.” Iruka-sensei keeps talking, and Naruto can’t believe it. For a moment, the boy even thinks that he is lying – before he sees the sincerity on his teacher’s face.

__

Naruto can feel the tears approaching again, but this time for an entirely different reason – these are tears of _happiness_ , tears of _hope_. He doesn’t hold back the tears this time, greeting the feelings like the old friends they are.

__

“So you’re wrong.” Iruka-sensei keeps talking, voice getting louder with every word. “He’s nothing like the demon fox. He’s Naruto Uzumaki – of the village hidden in the leaves.” Iruka-sensei is happy and proud of _Naruto_. And the boy-

__

Well, Naruto is a sobbing mess.

__

His teacher, one of the only people who are there for him – _accepted him_. Someone who Naruto respects and loves has just told that he was more than the demon fo-

__

Naruto’s eyes widen even more. Someone he _loves_ , not just likes or respects.

__

_Loves_.

__

Naruto is still twelve when he finds the man he dreamt of when he was four.

__

The funny thing is, the man has been with him since he has started the Academy.

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He’s not going to lose him now. No way he will do that. _No fucking way_.

__

Naruto is the type who acts first and thinks later.

__

That’s how he finds himself kicking Mizuki in the face and saving Iruka-sensei’s life in the process.

__

Naruto frowns as the traitor chuckles; he wonders if he will laugh like that when he kicks his ass. Mizuki wipes the blood on his chin and mumbles something, but Naruto can’t really hear it because of the thudding sounds in his ears – that and even if he could hear the man, he couldn’t care less about what he has to say.

__

“If you ever lay a hand on _my sensei_ – I’ll kill you.” he growls. He can feel Iruka-sensei’s unbelieving and worried glare on his back – he struggles to hold back a laugh. _If only he knew…_

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He crosses two of his fingers on the other two and forms a plus sign in front of his face. “Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!”

__

Less than a second later, there are hundreds of him. Suddenly Mizuki doesn’t look as smug as before; he looks _scared of him_.

__

For the first time in his life, Naruto likes that.

__

(Naruto is twelve when he learns to kick ass.)

__

Long story short, Mizuki gets his ass kicked.

__

“Oops,” Naruto says, “I guess I kinda got carried away.” Despite his words, the boy doesn’t sound apologetic in the slightest.

__

Iruka-sensei blinks. He opens his mouth and closes it. He blinks again.

__

Naruto scratches his neck awkwardly. “Um, you okay, Iruka-sensei?”

__

His words seem to snap the man out of his trance – “Naruto, come here a minute; I have something to give you.” he says, a big smile plastered on his face.

__

Naruto complies, wondering what this is about. Iruka-sensei tells him to close his eyes and he does so.

__

He winces when he first feels the man’s fingers on his forehead, then relaxes – Iruka-sensei would never harm him. As the man takes his goggles off, Naruto understands what’s about to happen.

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It takes everything in him not to bounce like a five-year-old.

__

God, he is taking the first step of making his dream come true. He can feel the cool air on his forehead now – his goggles are gone. Just a few moments and he will be a real shinobi, a _genin_. For years, worked hard for it and, his work is _finally_ paying off. Then-

__

Then he feels the headband on his forehead.

__

_ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod_

__

Just that he expects it doesn’t mean that he’s ready for it. He feels lightheaded; he can’t collect his thoughts.

__

“Sensei?” he asks with a weak voice. “How much longer?”

__

He can hear Iruka-sensei chuckling, and after what felt like a thousand hours, he says “You can open your eyes now.”

__

Naruto’s eyes shoot open, more than willing to comply. When he sees that Iruka-sensei’s forehead is bare, his hand immediately goes to his. He traces the lines with his finger, feeling the cold metal under his hand and-

__

And he still can’t believe it.

__

Before Naruto starts overthinking it, his teacher speaks up. “Congratulations, you graduate.” Naruto feels a tear escaping, but he doesn’t bother wiping it this time. Iruka-sensei’s expression turns into something worried for a moment when he sees it – but he smiles again when he notices nothing’s wrong. Before Naruto can say anything, “And to celebrate,” he says, stretching the last letter. “I have a surprise! We’re going out for ramen tonight.”

__

At this point, Naruto is pretty sure that the universe is trying to overload his emotions and make him explode.

__

“Iruka-sensei!” he jumps onto his teacher and hugs him, making him fall back down. “You’re the best!”

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He really is.

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His teacher laughs and saves himself from under him. “Don’t you wanna see how you look with your headband?” he asks, pointing to a pond, maybe ten feet away.

__

_Of course_ he wants to. The boy quickly gets up and runs to the pond in under a few seconds. He takes a deep breath before looking down, not really sure if he’s ready. After a few moments of internal debate, he feels Iruka-sensei’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing it encouragingly. He doesn’t say anything, but Naruto understands what he’s trying to _say_.

__

_You got this._

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The boy takes another deep breath and nods – and then he turns his gaze to the pond.

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He doesn’t know what he expected, but… that’s not it. He thought that having a headband would somehow change him; at least it would look kind of weird, but when he looks at himself…

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It feels _natural_.

__

Naruto notices something else that feels natural, but this time it’s something that has probably been there for a long time – something he failed to notice until now. It’s how Iruka-sensei looks at him. Naruto knows that look; he has watched people looking at each other like that for years.

__

And for the first time in his life, he’s watching someone looking at him like _that_.

__

It’s the way he remembers adults looking at children, at _their_ children.

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It’s love.

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For the third time, Naruto notices something – but this time, it doesn’t completely feel natural. It feels foreign and new.

__

Fortunately, Naruto likes novelty.

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He also likes the new look that appears in his eyes when he’s looking at himself.

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For a long time, he worked for that look – just wanted to be able to _do it_.

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And he finally did it.

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Naruto is twelve when he first looks at himself _that way_.

__

__

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**Author's Note:**

> For the story's sake, we're acting like the ramen guy doesn't exist, okay?
> 
> With that out of the way, thank you for giving this a chance - this is the first time I'm posting any of my works so I'm kinda nervous lol. 
> 
> Hope you like it!


End file.
